SHADO Lurks
by animefreak2015
Summary: laughter see beginning for explanation. Ongoing lunacy ... qualifies as self insertion ... but ... well ... you'll see. All for a laugh
1. Chapter 1

SHADO Lurks

Short explanation: Back when I first discovered fandoms online and tumbled headlong into the FK universe, there was a very small faction (2 people) who called themselves Lurkers. Their title was taken from the denizens of one of the Babylon 5 levels downbelow. They specialized in not taking themselves, the other factions and the show/characters very seriously. Discovering them, I decided I needed to be a member. (Oh, look, three members!) Thus my fascination with lurking various fandom universes began. Please feel free to wander in if you get the yen. This will be an ongoing idiocy designed to wierd out our favorite characters from The Man to Dr. Shroeder and points west, east, north and south, not to mention Moonbase ... shhhhh. I said not to mention Moonbase.

If you want to be added to the activities, lemme know and I'll add you. For the moment the list of lurkers is limited to my old crew: family members and some extraneous characters who pop in now and again.

Oh yeah, there are rules to lurking:

1 Do not get caught. Interacting with the characters is frowned on.

2 The interest of the lurk is possibly a direct inverse to how frequently rule number one is broken.

d

1 -

The Godzillaphile looked down at dragon with a worried look on his face. That he'd actually outgrown, to use the word judiciously, both his Godzilla phase and overshot the height of his esteemed, if rotund parental unit, went without saying. He wished his mother's lurker tendencies had been outgrown as well.

"We're doing what?" he asked again.

"Painting the car pink."

"Why?" he inquired, using a Buffy-esque inflection. Patience is always good for crazy people, he reminded himself.

"Because."

"That's not an answer. There are people coming!" he stage whispered.

Blink.

Ed Straker stared at his car. It was pink. It was not a ladylike Mary Kay million seller Cadillac pink; it was a rowdy, head-banger shrieking hot pink. What the hell?


	2. Chapter 2

2 -

Paul Foster stared at the statue in the corner of his office. When did that get delivered? Not that he necessarily objected to the subject: a rounded Greek goddess, her attributes enhanced by the draperies of her ancient gown, but he suspected he was going to hear about it.

He stopped to look slightly up into her blank eyes, running a finger across the smooth cheek. What was her name? Galatea?

The SeaQuest addict that was arched an eyebrow at dragon. "He didn't freak."

dragon sighed. "Gift was too appropriate. Wonder what he'd do with a Goth Barbie doll …."

"Mo – th – er!"

Innocent blink, blink.


	3. Chapter 3

3-

The Muppet Klingon goggled at her mother and tried to figure out whether to laugh or run. She wasn't that familiar with this particular universe, but it did occur to her that replacing a good single malt whisky with pure Bacchus black might be noticeable. "Mom …"

"Shhhhhh."

"You don't think he'll notice?" she asked wide-eyed.

The rotund one teetering on her beloved high-heeled boots considered for a moment before answering. "The real problem is gonna be if he likes it. After all, it is technically alien liquor … "


	4. Chapter 4

4 -

"Dr. If this is Antares 4, they seem a bit hostile." Sarah Jane regarded the well armed men surrounding the ancient blue police call box with interest. Where did they get so many physically fit specimens?

The Dr. raised an eyebrow at the screen. "That's not Antares 4, Sarah. That's the moon. Your moon."

Sarah looked back at her companion. "Are you telling me we have sensational men on the moon?" she asked with a laugh.

He looked from the screen to Sarah and back. "No, I'm telling you we're on the moon and in the middle of a secret project. I think we'd best go."

With a distinctive wheezing sound, the box faded from sight leaving Paul Foster with a report to write up that the commander was not going to appreciate.


	5. Chapter 5

5 -

Straker frowned at his two seconds-in-command. The pink paint on his car turned out to be water soluble. However, there was still the question of who delivered the statue to Foster's office and who had gifted Freeman with something not whiskey in his decanter. All three of the incidents were grouped in a four hour period in one day for which there were no records. Somehow, the person or persons involved had avoided all detection, including cameras.

"Any ideas, gentlemen?" Straker's tone was more than usually sarky.

"No," Alec admitted. "Either it's someone here, someone playing pranks, for whatever reason. Or …"

"There's no way someone could have toted the statue into my office without being seen, sir." Paul was taking the situation seriously, but was obviously also somewhat confused. "The question I have, is if they can get in to prank us, why stop there? What's the point?"

Straker frowned at his subordinate. Foster had a point. If the aliens had found a way to do this, why the things they'd done instead of doing real damage. "Good point. A demonstration?"

Alec 's eyes widened. "Someone testing a device? Demonstrating it to a … potential buyer?" None of them liked the sound of that.


	6. Chapter 6

6 -

"Mom." The SQ Addict was looking thoughtfully at the huge flat screen video monitor in the lair.

"Yes?" dragon pushed her glasses up her nose and blinked at her eldest daughter whose hair had gone from cotton candy pale to anime red sometime in the last few days.

"They think we're bad guys," the younger woman pointed out with a laugh.

"What!" dragon squeaked. "Lemme look at that." She replayed the meeting with Straker, Foster and Freeman, twice. Sometimes Straker interludes led to a slight flat line problem in the brain for dragon. Then she really frowned at her daughter. "Where the hell did you get this?"

Her daughter gave her the best innocent look she could before collapsing into giggles. "Fiber optics. We stranded the place with fiber lenses!" she admitted.

"We are soooo not lurking there again for a while …. "


	7. Chapter 7

7 -

"Uhm, dragon ..." The Rev sounded uncertain as she kept an eye out for anyone taking interest in someone breaking into a house in this nice neighborhood.

"M?" dragon indicated she was paying attention even if she wasn't as she neatly pushed the credit card through the doorway between jamb and door. She was rewarded with the opening of the back door of the house. "We're in!"

"But should we be? I mean ... er ... " Da Rev cleaned her glasses and blinked at the spotless kitchen. "You did say bachelor, didn't you?"

"Kinda OCD. Sleeps here, not much else."

"And keeps a tidy kitchen. Very tidy." She opened the refrigerator, blinked and closed it. "Except for something on the bottom shelf that seems to have been in there too long."

dragon snerked. "You should see the kind of things that grow in there in some fanon ... " She took a peek and eeped as she slammed the door shut. "Coffee." She unslung the backpack and started unloading small bags of various coffees. "Quick, open the cabinets. Find out where he keeps the coffee."

Da Rev followed orders and started opening cabinets, coughing a little over the dust. She located a very dusty canister marked "Coffee" in one and pointed it out. dragon started handing her the bags of flavored coffee to place in the cabinet. "You know, given the dust, he may not find these."

"Of course he will." She pulled out brightly colored paper footprints and disappeared through the doorway to the rest of the house where she neatly taped the footprints to the floor, avoiding the white fur rug. "See, "coffee this way". He should be able to follow simple instructions."

"He's paranoid, from what you've told me and probably won't use it."

dragon looked thoughtful as she heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. "So, he'll have it all tested! And when it turns out to be OK, someone will drink it!" she ended exhultantly. "Move." She nudged Da Rev out of the way to finish placing the flourescent footprints on the floor to the doorway of the kitchen.

"Uh ... dragon. He's here!" Da Rev muffled her shriek and shifted into her VR persona of a 7 foot tall marsupial felinoid called a Praahr.

Ed Straker, entering his house after a strange day at work, caught a glimpse of something gold furred disappearing into the kitchen. The giggles caused him to grab his gun and approach with caution, the footprints caught his eye as he stepped around the doorway and menaced an empty kitchen.

What the hell?

The cabinet filled with small bags of exotically flavored coffees was open, two of the bags toppling out as he stood there annoyed and bemused. Holstering his Glock, he picked up one of the bags. Starbucks. Vanilla Hazelnut. At least his car wasn't pink.


	8. Chapter 8

8 -

Louise scurried to the door wondering who the idiot was who was pounding on it instead of decently ringing the doorbell; which was when the doorbell went off. She was really puzzled by that as the thing had never worked before; she was also puzzled when she opened the door because the rotund black and red clad person on the door step was no one she knew. Well, it had red hair confined in a ponytail, but it wasn't Denise as the color was ... well... purplish-pinkish. Pale blue eyes regarded her from behind bifocal lenses and the rotund one grinned.

"Hi. I'm dragon," she introduced herself.

Louise felt her jaw drop. Wait a minute. Wasn't dragon supposed to be at work? In the US somewhere? She recovered the jaw and nodded.

"You're Louise, right?"

"Uhm ... er ... yes?" Somehow she sounded uncertain even in her own ears.

"You said you wanted to come along."

"Along? Come ... " Her eyes rounded in wild surmise. "You mean ... but ... I'm ... er ... story ... middle ... shoot." Incoherency was annoying.

"Wellll ... if you don't want to come ... I guess I could put up with it."

"Mom, if she's busy, she's busy. We can do this another time," came the oddly reasonable voice of the SQ Addict as she peeked around her mom's slightly reduced girth and waved. "Or we can include her in another lurk."

dragon sighed, which was spoiled by the evil twinkle in her eyes and the grin that immediately followed. "OK. If you're in the throes, you're in the throes. Here. When you finally get around to the lurking thing, use this." dragon handed her what looked like a graphing calculator. she frowned and glared at it. "Wait. Not that." She dug in the backpack she was carrying while muttering something about teenaged sons, math classes and Onion Festivals. "Rini!"

The SQ Addict handed her a smaller item, still with a confusing number of buttons, which dragon then handed to Louise. "Oh, and make sure this gets delivered to The Man when you do go." She dropped a shimmery black box into Louise's arms.

"What's in it?"

dragon grinned bigger. Were humans supposed to have that many teeth? Sharp ... Louise shook her head. "You figure it out," dragon told her. "Bye."

dragon pressed several buttons on her own device and looked puzzled. Behind her Louise could hear the telly changing channels. She chuckled, then burst out laughing as dragon figured out what she'd done and rummaged about for a minute before finding the right button box. With a wave, dragon and the SQ Addict vanished from the doorstep.

"I just had a first hand hallucination," Louise muttered to herself before looking down at the box in her arms and the contraption in her hand. "A really solid, insane hallucination."

She lifted the corner of the box to peek in. Oh, my. Her grin was positively manic as she returned to her writing. 

"Mom."

"Yessss?" dragon kinda hissed as she tried to figure out exactly what had gone wrong with her coordinates.

"You, er, noticed, I take it."

"A building tall lizard is damned hard to ignore! Nice Godzilla," she muttered as she tried to re-enter the correct coordinates to get them to Gay's place in London.

"Here Lizard, Lizard, Lizard," Rini said with a giggle in a bad Mexican accent.

"You are not the Taco Bell chihuahua," dragon admonished as she finally got them out of there just before the gargantuan lizard put a foot down where they had been a moment earlier.

However, they still weren't at Gay's place ...

"Mom."

"Uhm, yes."

"Two moons?"

"Er ... apparently."

"You can't have Kanda Yu and Allen is too young."

dragon snerked again. "Technically Kanda's younger than Allen ... Here Tyki, Tyki, Tyki ... "

"Shhhhhhh!" Rini's giggles somewhat aborted the sterness of her shushing sound. She really didn't want dragon to locate the sometimes ambivalent Noah known as Tyki Mikk. "SHADO, Mom." She grabbed the tesserect from dragon's hand, sighed and looked long suffering as she realized that somehow the thing had gotten stuck on anime instead of sci-fi.

Fold.

Gay's place. Now to turn it into a shimmering, decadent tent.

Gay Ellis walked into her flat after a long day and stopped dead. She'd heard rumor of odd things happening to people. This was definitely odd. Yards and yards and yards of translucent glittering, shimmering fabric had been attached to the ceiling and then swagged back to the walls forming a sort of tent in her living room. An opalescent chandelier hung at center, pillows in velvets and silks had been tossed everywhere and a gleaming turkish style tea set sat on Persian rug now covering her floor.

Damn.

If this was an alien intruder ...

Damn.


	9. Chapter 9

9-

Keith Ford looked at the SHADO Mobile One unit and shook his head. At least it wasn't hot pink. He wasn't quite certain why some one had decided that painting it a somewhat Mondrian pattern was a good idea until he walked around the back and saw the "Nervous Mother Driving" notice on the back. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and sighed. They really weren't The Partridge Family.


	10. Chapter 10

10 -

"Keith." Lt Johnson looked concerned as she stood next to Keith Ford's usual station.

"Mm?"

"You didn't paint the thing, did you?"

"No."

She nodded. "Or order it?"

He looked up at that. "Do I look like I'd do a thing like that?"

"No," she admitted with a grin. "So, exactly what was it the skydiver was painted to resemble?"

"A big, purple dinosaur ... " Ford lost it at that. Somehow, Barney as an underwater unit ...

Straker was not going to be pleased.


	11. Chapter 11

11 -

Straker scowled at the reports on his desk. Over the last few weeks vehicles had been painted, rooms had been decorated, liquor had been exchanged, presents had been presented and absolutely none of it had done more than annoy people. He was beginning to suspect they had a set of gremlins that meant them no harm expect for the occasional mental aberration they engendered.

He looked at his desk. The latest gift had been sitting there waiting for him when he entered. Starbucks, iced coffee, sugar and milk. Presuming it was a gift from the same prankster, he took a sip and almost chuckled. Given how frequently his coffee was cold when he got to it, this was wonderful. Now, if he could just figure out where to find a Starbucks.

He ignored the soft smothered giggles he almost heard.


	12. Chapter 12

12 -

"Pssst."

"What?" dragon whispered back.

"Where are we supposed to be?"

"Uhm... lemme look." rustling of paper, flattening, smoothing "Ford's."

The SQ Addict shook her head. "I don't think so. He's not Roumanian, is he?"

"British." dragon looked into the room and raised her eyebrows. "Uhm ... yeah." She blinked. It was a nice room if you liked coffins and torture instruments. "Did we stray into The Wax Museum?"

Her daughter dashed around the building. No sign. "Apparently not. No. No sign. No figures. Just this." She gestured to the room.

dragon got a devilish look on her face. "We came to decorate and decorate we shall!" She extracted cans of spray paint from her ubiquitous back pack. "Primary yellow, primrose, pink, orange, glow in the dark ... Shall we?"

An hour later, Renfield entered the room and screamed.


	13. Chapter 13

13 -

"Now this looks much more like a Ford house ... er ... flat." dragon surveyed the room stacked with newspapers, books and electronics before indulging in a round of sneezing.

"We're out of spray paint," Louise pointed out, having been briefed by the SQAddict.

dragon looked thoughtful, shoved her glasses up her nose and sneezed them down again. "I thig he deeds a houze cleandingd." She blew her nose and pulled out a mask like they issue to flu sufferers who insist on going to work.

"I hate housework," Louise pointed out as she was handed a feather duster.

"Rearrange the bookcases and make sure we can bring the others in?"

thought "OK."

They managed to rearrange and aphabetize Ford's library before he returned to his flat. They gave him a breezy hello in passing as they exited the flat and ran down the stairs with a clatter of stilleto heels (dragon)and a gale of giggles. Luckily, they stopped at the landing, waved and folded out before Ford could do more than pull his gun and drop his jaw.

Somewhat like Gay, he was bemused. Someone had added four luminescently flourescent bookcases to his living area. They'd also neatly put everything in the bookcases, including all the newspapers and scandal rags he grabbed every week to see if they were missing anything. On the coffee table, which had been polished to a deep rich finish, was a book. Throwing caution to the winds, he opened it. The book was neatly divided into categories and a typed list of every readable item he owned was attached to the pages.

And there was a note.

"Cold beer in the 'fridge. Hope you like it cold. It's imported."

He couldn't resist. Yes, it was imported. There was a 6 pack of a distinctly American beer sitting on the shelf next to a delivered pizza that was good three weeks ago.

He popped a beer and let it slide down his throat in one long pull. Not that he liked chilled beer, of course, but that was good.


	14. Chapter 14

14 -

sneak, sneak, sneak. tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe. trip. snerk. giggle

"Ladies."

Oh shit! Awake Straker. Gun. Run Away! Grab at tesserect as Straker deftly removes it from taloned fingers. Futile grab.

"Starbuck's?" he asked as he gave the thing in his hand a cursory once over.

"Uhm ... well ...not this time."

Scowl.

Shit.

Tap, tap. Straker turned his head to find a pair of bright blue eyes in a roundly elfin face behind a very servicable .22 Ruger just a little closer to his head than he appreciated. She made the universal hand movement of "give it back" with her free hand.

"Rini!" dragon objected to the threat level.

SQAddict sighed and dropped the retrieved tesserect back in dragon's hand. "I told you he was dangerous."

Thunder cracked outside the house, out of a clear sky. "Yeah, well so is you-know-who and he's a Thunder god," dragon hissed as she frantically pushed buttons and then hit the "go" one.

Straker stood there both bemused and a little frightened. Neither the one with the inch long red nails nor the young lady with the ... pink? ... hair seemed like they'd be part of an alien plot, but the ease with which they slid into and out of his home was terrifying.

With a thankfully non-destructive blast of plasma, a tall, white haired, vaguely orientally dressed man appeared where the older woman had stood a moment before. Lightning played in his eye sockets and around his hands.

"Where is she?" a voice like doom demanded.

Straker swallowed, presumed his gun was next to useless and answered. "She just left. I don't know where she went."

The electricity level dropped and the entity's eyes returned to their usual dark color. He looked Straker's immaculately pale cream suited figure up and down. "At least she controlled her love of tie dying things," he commented, nodded and vanished.

The doorbell rang.

Feeling much like an over tightened guitar string, Straker opened the door to a delivery person in full, historical Chinese garb. "Yes?" Heaven knew he didn't really want any answer at this point.

"You Mr. Straker?"

"Yes."

"Kowloon Nine Dragon Inn delivery service. Please to show servants where to place dinner."

"I did not ... It's paid for?"

The man bowed. "Chun Ki Lun, owner of Inn owes personage who ordered. All is taken care of."

With that half a dozen small Chinese persons entered his house, turned his living room into a brocade resplendent area and departed leaving his coffee table smothered in covered porcelain and metal dishes, all of which smelled bothy exotic and delicious. Straker locked the door, not that it seemed to be proof against at least two sets of intruders, and sat down to a meal that the last Emperor of China might have enjoyed, including the aromatic hot tea.

giggle, giggle. snicker. See, I told you he'd enjoy it.

SQ Addict, patiently. "Yes, mom. Now, where exactly are we again?" She pointed to the trio of white masked beings who were regarding them curiously.

"Uhm," dragon squinted at the unit in her hand. "Not the SeaQuest, apparently ... " She looked at a nearby sign post. "Karakura?"

"Mom ..." sigh


End file.
